Relationship counselling, couples coaching, marriage therapy… However you label it, the process is about working with a trained and impartial third party to better understand your relationship, and better understand what each of you might want now and into the future.
For some people relationship counselling can seem daunting. Often one person in a couple is keen on the process, while the other is more reluctant. The more reluctant person may feel that they don’t want to discuss their private relationship with a third party, or feel that going to relationship counselling is a way of admitting failure. So what’s in it for the more reluctant partner and how do you get them to try it out?
Here are 6 common objections I’ve heard and some responses that might help a more reluctant partner come around.
Why would I want to talk about our relationship with a third party? First, everything is confidential. Second, think of it as a way to show your partner that you are willing to try something they want to try. Or a way of showing them that you’re willing to work with them and meet their needs, whatever they may be.
Isn’t it a sign that we should break up? Far from it. It’s usually a sign that your partner wants to put in the effort to address what’s concerning them and make the relationship stronger. Some reluctant partners ignore the issue up to the point where their partner threatens to break up. Don’t leave it too late, put in the effort and give it a try.
Isn’t going to a relationship counsellor a sign of failure or weakness? The most successful people today all have coaches and counsellors and mentors. It’s about accepting that a trained third party can be helpful and provide insights and alternative ways of viewing things that can sometimes change the way you see things.
I don’t have the time and I’m not interested in relationship counselling – so why bother? If counselling is being suggested by your partner, change is coming one way or another. You can either ignore the issue and deal with the consequences, or get on board and unleash your relationship from whatever is holding it back.
Only people with relationship problems need this sort of thing – so does that mean we are going to break up? People who don’t act to fix problems break up. Trust your partner and give it a try.
Our relationship is fine – why do we need a relationship counsellor? The fact that the topic is being raised is a sign that “fine” isn’t good enough for your partner. Now could be a good opportunity to find out what’s on their mind, and what they want to change or improve. You might learn some new things about your partner and about yourself. And at the very least, the process will definitely help your partner feel heard and loved.
Attempting to convince a reluctant partner to try relationship counselling can be difficult and frustrating at times. If it’s something that important for you, it’s worthwhile persisting and making sure you get the opportunity to build a relationship or make the changes needed so that you can feel happy and fulfilled.
What are some situations in which you might want to seek relationship counselling or coaching?
- If you’ve developed some patterns that you feel are unhealthy (e.g. yelling, dismissing one another, not spending enough time together)
- If you’re having doubts or difficulties with trust and fidelity (e.g. drifting apart, lack of intimacy).
- If you’re coming out of the ‘honeymoon phase’ and want to make sure you are communicating well and building your relationship in a way that will work for you both.
- If you’ve tried everything else and you are thinking about breaking up.
No matter what your concerns are, a good relationship counsellor will be able to help you sort through issues and better understand your partner and yourself. Once you are better informed you’ll be in a great position to decide what you want, and how best to go forward. For some this involves a conscious break up. However, for many this involves moving into a new and better phase of their relationship.
Queensland Government information on relationship counselling.